Tag Archives: self-esteem

Monday Mindful Makeover: Treat Your Body Like Your Best Friend!

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This does not surprise me at all. As a makeup artist for the last ten years, I get to hear it all. When a woman sits in my makeup chair, she rarely has anything positive to say about her looks. It is definitely disheartening. The main point of this Dove video is why I wrote my book Fearless Beauty: A Woman’s Guide to Living Bold, Beautiful & Free. I want to help break down the blocks that prevent women from seeing their natural beauty and embrace the fullness of who she is.

As you can see in the video, women are hard on themselves. It’s clear that when we are asked to describe ourselves, we don’t want to accurately describe our positive features. We tend to downplay them. Why is this? Well, there’s a negative stigma out there for people that think highly of themselves. When someone says how they feel pretty, or think they look good, there’s always someone rolling their eyes, or saying they’re self-centered or conceited. This isn’t how it should be! We should all be saying how awesome we feel all of the time and how much we love the way we look. Since when was it better to walk around feeling terrible about ourselves instead of knowing how gorgeous we are and flaunting it!?

This stigma is painful. It prevents women from focusing on anything positive about their bodies, and encourages them to focus on the negatives, and even emphasize them. The stigma makes our pores 10 times bigger, our nose 15 times more crooked, and our skin 20 times more wrinkled and flawed. Guess what? It’s not. It’s perfect. We are all beautiful and we need to realize that! We must stop hating on ourselves and forget the stigma.

What do you think of yourself? You probably don’t love everything about your face, or your body. Okay, that’s understandable, we’re never 100% happy with every, single aspect of ourselves. Let’s learn to love those things. I want you to feel the beauty that you have. Write down three things that you LOVE about yourself. Just write them down. These three things can turn into six, and then twelve, keep the list going!

Once you realize what you totally love about yourself, just focus on those things. Think about them and emphasize them. Once you’re aware of how much you love yourself, you won’t speak badly about them. You wouldn’t speak badly about your best friend, so don’t speak badly about your skin, hair, face, love handles, etc. Your body is with you through thick and thin, so respect it and love it, just like it was your best friend. This is what an ideal world would look like, women loving their appearances!

Instead of making your face over, give your mind a makeover! You don’t need lipstick and botox to be beautiful; you need to realize you’re absolutely beautiful, minus all of the other additions. Make your mind over!

Back to my book, Fearless Beauty: A Woman’s Guide to Living Bold, Beautiful and Free. This is your key to feeling better about yourself. You’ll have a new-found awareness of what’s inside of you making you feel the way you do. In the journey you’ll take with my book, you’ll feel better about yourself and those around you. All women deserve to feel beautiful and in-turn BE beautiful. Fearless Beauty can do that for you.

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Mindful Monday Makeover: Define Your Own Beauty

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There are so many different powers telling us what we should look like, how we should wear our makeup, and what clothes to wear. From advertisements, celebrities or even our mothers, an ideal sense of what true beauty is constantly being projected on us. These views tend to overpower our own, more important ideas of what makes ourselves feel beautiful. As overpowering as they may be, we can’t blame them for the way we feel about ourselves. Instead, we must learn how to embrace our own, unique beauty and put those other messages on mute. Our body image is thought to be a mixture of our personality, outside social influences, inner personal experiences, and cultural ideals. The perception of our own body image is drastically different than how others perceive us.

Here are a few ways to define your beauty, and mute everyone else’s:

1. Your first instinct is usually right, so stick with it when trying on clothes before you leave the house.  Wear that flashy shirt you fell in love with a few months ago but just haven’t had the courage to wear.

2. Read fashion magazines, but don’t take them too seriously. They’re nice for a few tips, but don’t idolize their messages and images. The women on the pages look just like you, before all of the airbrushing and touch-ups. No one struts the streets looking like they just walked out of a billboard, yet it’s engrained in our society that women are supposed to look like that.

3. Go natural. Go a day with less makeup than you typically wear, it’s good for your skin, and refreshing to look in the mirror and see yourself in a natural, healthy way.

4. Look in the mirror. No really, just look. Our mothers always told us to stop staring in the mirror, but really just stare at yourself and see every little imperfection that makes you, you.

5. Smile more. Happiness radiates confidence within ourselves and around us.

For more wonderful tips on feeling good about the woman you see in the mirror everyday, sign-up for our newsletter click here, now.

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Breakthrough Beauty Block #2

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Beauty in every shape and size

Before I became a makeup artist in the entertainment and beauty industry I was always fascinated with what made a woman look and feel beautiful. This fascination was prompted by my mother becoming a Mary Kay beauty consultant when I was nine. Watching her clients transform right before my eyes was truly astonishing to me. Not only in the way they looked but also in their attitude and self-confidence. Part of me thought my mom had some sort of magic potion up her sleeve the way these women bought her products once her presentation was over.

What I didn’t realize then that, I understand now is that my mom wasn’t selling lipsticks and eye cream, but hope and vitality. This became even clearer to me once I became a professional makeup artist. I’ve also learned how skilled women are at using their appearance as a distraction to avoid dealing with deeper issues of dissatisfaction with relationships, health and well-being—issues that my makeup brush alone doesn’t have the capacity to fix. Intellectual awareness aside, women often look to transform the way they feel about themselves by fixing their façade.

Beauty Blocks

Over the years, I have identified three common blocks that keep women from acknowledging their beauty:

  • Block #1: Conflict and unresolved issues from past relationships. These situations often erode self-esteem, causing women to feel unattractive or even ugly. Such emotional unrest leads to a negative perception of one’s appearance.
  • Block #2: Unrealistic ideals based on comparisons. These women decide how they should or shouldn’t look based on where they were in their lives. They look to their past, next-door neighbors, airbrushed models, honed and pampered actors and anybody they could use to make themselves feel unworthy.
  • Block #3: Neglect of whole-body self-care. They spend a gang of time, energy and money on their physical appearance but overlook the necessity to nurture and care for their emotional and spiritual well-being. This neglect leaves women feeling depleted, out of balance and less than attractive.

By addressing these three blocks head-on, it is indeed possible for women to start to acknowledge themselves as naturally beautiful. In my book Fearless Beauty I go into great detail on how to breakthrough each block, but today I want to share with you how I was able to help one women break free from block #2 and encourage you to do the same…

Courtney’s Story

A few years ago, I coached a woman named Courtney, who desperately wanted to improve her self-image. Courtney grew up significantly overweight at a very young age. Her mother always told her that if she were going to find a nice guy who wanted to be with her, she had to lose weight.

She grew up believing that people who have good relationships with men must be thin. When she became an adult, she had a hard time finding a mate because she thought that only thin women had good relationships. Men treated her coldly and with little interest. She really wanted a relationship, so she committed to losing weight—a lot of weight. After putting a thinner version of herself into the dating world, she came to the disparaging conclusion that what her mom told her was untrue.

Courtney found that men were just as unkind to her when she was thin as when she was heavy. She continued to be alone while watching her heavy and thin friends finding joy in their relationships, whether dating or engaged. She realized that there was something deeper, beyond her weight and figure that required attention. At this time, she contacted me and we went to work on forgiving her past and the relationships she felt were responsible for how she thought and felt about herself.

Fearless Beauty Exercise

This is just a condensed version of the exercise we worked on to help her to stop making harsh comparison about herself. If you would like to do this for yourself, you will need to make a conscious, daily effort to observe and journal your observations.

It is important to recognize when you are comparing yourself to others. At the beginning of your day, set the intention to observe all of your thoughts. Whenever you find yourself looking at someone and wishing for or envying something she has, make a mental note.

Take a deep breath and, as you release your breath, release all of the thoughts that flooded your brain and caused you to compare. In your next breath, focus your thoughts and energy on a part of you that brings you joy. It could be your hair, nails, smile or something you have recently accomplished that will bring your attention to what you appreciate about you. The more you focus on what is good about you and your life, the less you will feel the urge to make comparisons.

After the day is over journal your experience and write down your thoughts and feelings that triggered you to compare yourself to others. After a few weeks look back on your journal entries and see if you can identify patterns or certain triggers that urge you to compare. It is through your own observation of your behavior that you will be able to break free from comparing yourself to others in a way that is not useful in helping you to value your own beauty.

Since she began this routine, Courtney now eats what she wants without drowning herself in food. She maintains a comfortable, healthy weight and loves the way she looks—so do the men she dates! She no longer looks to men for validation or shakes in fear of their judgments. She enjoys the process of dating. Men compliment her figure and the dimples in her legs because she is confident in her femininity, which, to her, is sexy. She feels soft, lovable and worthy of love.

Try it out, and Share!

I’d love to hear your experience with this exercise. Email me directly or leave a comment here. To try another Fearless Beauty exercise, download a Free Chapter of the book here.

 

 

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Take Your Foot Out of Your Mouth

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photo credit: Maroon Surreal

After a while, keeping your foot in your mouth becomes a burden and aside from the nasty taste that is left in your mouth your confidence starts to suffer. You find yourself withdrawing from conversations, simply nodding and agreeing at social events, when really all you want to do is make your opinion heard. Your Delusional Diva kicks into over drive warning you to wait and think carefully before you open your mouth. Your self-expression starts to shrink and you forget that you have a voice that really matters.

Before I went on vacation, I did this very thing. I received an email from one of the people that I work for, before I could even read to the end of it I was typing up a defensive response in order to save face for feeling like I was being accused of something that I actually did not do. It took me all of three minutes to type and without even checking over the email for grammatical mistakes or to see if I was communicating exactly what I wanted her to know I pressed send. Moments later, after I caught my breath and reread her initial email, I realized I was completely in the wrong. Since that time we crossed each other’s paths once and the encounter was so brief I knew I hit some hot buttons, but still I kept my mouth shut.

This is the first time this has happened to me in a long while. I am usually really good at cleaning up my communication immediately when I realize there has been a misunderstanding, but not this time and I paid for it. During my vacation this encounter kept playing in my mind, it was a bummer because it took away from me really being present with my friends and having a good time. I kept thinking about what she might be thinking and what she could possibly do to make my work situation uncomfortable. My Delusional Diva was annoyingly front and center at a time when all I really wanted was to relax.

If you find that you have a lot of loose ends with people take a few minutes out of your weekend to reach out to them and make amends. First, get your ego out of the way by going within. Get clear about the communication that was actually said and take a few minutes to contemplate or meditate on the following question, “What is it that I want to communicate that would be for the highest and best good?” The answer you find will always come from your heart. Then call or email that person and start with and apology, even if you feel they are the ones who took your words out of context. This will put them at ease and make them open to receiving the communication you intended to deliver in the first place. Then simply spill the beans tell them what you meant to say and end it with an invitation to start again.

With practice, you will start taking your foot out of your mouth more rapidly, your confidence will rise and your ability to communicate without reacting skyrocket. You may also restore some great relationships that were once lost. This week, I reached out to my boss and apologized for my misunderstanding of her email and let her know my intention behind what I was trying to communicate. Within a few minutes she replied back and we are going to grab brunch.

When is the last time you put your foot in your mouth? How did you handle it? Share with me in the comments below!

 

 

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Fearless Friday: The Root of Fearless Beauty

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When I worked as a makeup artist on tour with Revlon, I had direct access to the spectrum of women’s insecurities about their looks. 9 out of 10 women who sat in my chair had nothing good to say about their appearance. Surprising? No. Depressing? You bet. I knew I didn’t have to go far to find the source of this discontent – a media which constantly tells women that their skin isn’t smooth enough, their hair not shiny enough, their bellies not toned enough.

However, fixating on media sexism doesn’t give us any practical solutions. Yes, it’s important to acknowledge that the media is more powerful and ubiquitous than it was in our grandmothers’, mothers’ and even older sisters’ day. And none of us can fool ourselves that we are immune to the effects of media manipulation. But we can still be critical consumers, because “however crafty the media is, we still are not at a point where we will completely suspend our rational thought process or belief system”[1].

Kim Kardashian photoshop

In my forthcoming book (releasing October 2012) I want to look at how women can actively reject the low self-esteem epidemic. The book looks at how women need to start seeking change from within, instead of thinking beauty-related quick-fixes will give them what they need, then blaming the media when this fails. The beauty myth and the media aren’t going anywhere – so women need to develop self-care strategies that will keep them feeling empowered when the beauty industry comes knocking.

I believe that caring for ourselves, rather than looking to outside sources for affirmation, will give women the power to know they are beautiful both inside and out. My book gives a step-by-step beauty ritual that allows a woman to re-program her negative thoughts and incorporate a nourishing mind-body-spirit exercise into her busy life.

Low self-esteem comes from roots far deeper than irritating television commercials, although these may be unhelpful triggers for already-established behaviours. When we allow the media to make us feel ugly and worthless, we’re often re-enacting past conflicts and buried traumas that we’ve failed to deal with. When we buy a new pair of shoes or spend huge amounts on a face cream that promises eternal youth, we’re masking the real problems – that we haven’t attended to our mental and spiritual well-being. In my book I ask the reader to consider how past hurts have shaped their present insecurities, and provide practical exercises at the end of each chapter to help the reader let go of their inner ‘delusional diva’. I encourage women to practice forgiveness, learn how to trust their intuition and work towards a new personal ‘declaration of beauty’ based upon deeper qualities than just the physical.

I feel there’s a strong need for us to break the cycle of blaming our looks for our bad feelings, then blaming the media for making us focus on our looks in the first place. This strategy just allows us to convince ourselves we are helpless to change anything. As Alice Walker put it, “The easiest way people give up power is by thinking they don’t have any”. Women need to realize they do have plenty of power, and start using it to change and reclaim our perceptions of our God-given beauty, talents and abilities.

Are you ready to join the Fearless Beauty Movement?  Visit our Indiegogo campaign for more info.

 

[1] Jennifer Pozner, Reality Bites Back (Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2010), p. 97.

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How to Quiet Your Inner Critic

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Before I learned to meditate, my mind would always be racing, thinking, wondering, figuring out ways to get over some sort of anxiety I had. My feelings and thoughts about myself would range from am I good enough, pretty enough, do I know enough, will I look like a fool or am I capable of achieving my dreams — like writing a book or becoming a public speaker. All things I know many women worry about given the hundreds conversations I have had with women sitting in my makeup chair over the years. These self-defeating conversations are rampant in women’s minds regardless of her physical beauty, talents or intelligence.

My first introduction to meditation was about six years ago on a retreat I attended in Carlsbad, CA. I sought out this retreat after a series of unfortunate events being hospitalized, losing my only source of income and my recent separation from my husband of seven years. Between all of this and my constant self battery I lost all confidence in myself. The retreat was temporary, but the gift of learning to meditate continues to build my self-esteem.

In my first lesson of meditation, I felt quite silly, sitting in a circle with a group of people, doing absolutely nothing; my mind raced about 1,000 miles a minute. Every few minutes, I would open my eyes, peek at the other people and wonder if they were looking at me, too! After a few days of meditation, my mind chatter slowed down and I started to enjoy myself. By the time I left the retreat, I was determined to make meditation part of my daily life. Something that I strongly recommend any one do that wants to feel more confident in their own skin.

The effects of meditation on your body, mind and spirit are expansive, so much so that there are whole sections in bookstores dedicated to this subject. Of all the information that I’ve read and studied, my own experience with the practice has been my greatest teacher. I’ve learned to accept my imperfect perfections, forgive myself and others and, best of all, love the little girl within me and the woman whom she continues to become.

Meditation won’t make your nose smaller or your lips more pouty—at least I don’t think it will!—but it has a real impact on the way you feel about yourself. Regular meditation leads to calmness, inner peace and lower stress levels. If you are curious about meditation and want to explore it for yourself download my FREE 30-Minute guided meditation and I’ll continue to send you tips on cultivating a beauty ritual that helps not only look good, but feel good too.

Are you Afraid of Failure? 4 Ways to Combat the Fear of Failure

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Are you afraid of failing? When you fail at something, do you put yourself down harshly for it?  Does failing at something make you feel like a failure as a human being? Have you considered how much your physical appearance is affected by how you handle failure? Whether you admit it or not how you feel about your looks is directly impacted by how you manage your self-esteem. If you fear failing, you are adversely lowering your self-esteem and missing out on some very important life lessons that failure can teach you.

Let’s face it, there’s no doubt that success feels better than failure. When we succeed, we feel good; we even feel great.  We get lots of praise from other people when we succeed. Success tells us we’re on the right track. Success means we’re good. We’re great. When we succeed, we approve of ourselves.

On the other hand, failure often feels terrible. Failure means we made a mistake.  For many of us, failing means we’re not good enough. It means we are inferior. We don’t deserve anybody’s respect, not even our own.  We often feel so humiliated when we fail, that we never try again. We lose our courage and we lose our self respect.

But is this really the right way to look at failure? Failure actually has a lot to teach us. In fact, we can learn more lessons from failure than we can learn from success.  All of us fail at times and all of us succeed at times. Those of us who never learn how to handle failure will be less likely to achieve success in the long run.

Instead of looking at failure as a judgment upon your worth as a human being, you need to start looking for the important lessons in failure:

  • Sometimes the lesson of failure is that a particular path is a dead end.
  • Sometimes the lesson is that we need to try harder on that path.
  • Sometimes the lesson is that we need to take a different approach.
  • Sometimes the only lesson we learn from failure is that we need to stand tall and keep trying.

Learning how to respond to failure with our own pride and dignity intact will in the long run help us to feel better about our self-image. Prevent us from spending lots of money and time fixing our appearance in an attempt to feel good about our life and help us to build skills necessary to handle failure. Getting back up after being knocked down is triumphant, feels good and is quite sexy.

Be sure to download my free 30-Minutes Guided Meditation it too will help you get centered and focus on the good and beauty within you despite your external circumstances.